Die Another Day

A sincere apology from a repentant film critic.

Die Another Day

Directed by Lee Tamahori

Written by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade

Starring Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry, Toby Stephens





Dear Vin Diesel:



In my review of XXX in Pill #17, I called you a fuckwit. A couple
months later, I’m a little older, a little wiser, and I realize that I was too
harsh. It’s just that ... Well, I was aghast at the mind-boggling stupidity of
your movie. My pain started with the first idiotic action sequence and didn’t
stop until that last scene when you were balling Asia Argento down on that tropical
island. The whole thing was just horrible. It really did suck nuts.



But I just saw the new James Bond movie. And, Vin, dude, I want to apologize.


I realize now that you didn’t target man-boys who enjoy extreme sports. You targeted
man-boys who enjoy extreme sports video games. XXX was successful
because there’s a legion of action-thirsty guys grown fat and rendered moronic
by daily doses of Play-station. They fucking love you, man.



They’re also going to love Die Another Day.



When your character Xander Cage was called a new James Bond, that was totally
cool with me. I wasn’t defending Bond when I called you bad names. That wasn’t
my inner Bond fan lashing out. I don’t even have an inner Bond fan.


Sure, I watched Sunday marathons of Goldfinger and Thunderball and
Dr. No as a kid. Sean Connery was a great charismatic action hero. He was
fun to watch because his Bond did things that ordinary men couldn’t. His stunts
were unlikely and impressive, but not impossible – like watching an Olympic athlete.



The new James Bond, however, like your Xander, bends the laws of physics. He jumpstarts
a helicopter in freefall. He surfs a tsunami using a curved piece of sheet metal.
He’s even got an invisible car.


He’s like Wonder Woman! How cool is that?


Actually, it’s not very cool at all. It’s stupid.


Vin, I wasn’t picking on you or your genre. I’m not a highbrow guy. I nod off
during Bergman all the time. I can only name one or two Godard films. A night
of Italian neo-realism? I’d rather sniff your crack.


I love bad films, really. My all-time favorite movie is Mad Max. I loved
Resident Evil and Reign of Fire this year. I’m too stupid to follow
any plot involving more than three main characters, and even then they better
not talk too much.



Die Hard. That’s a good bad action movie. Predator is another. And
Predator 2. And Die Hard 2. (But not Die Hard 3.) The
Hunt for Red October
. These are the godheads. They’re enter-taining and escapist.
For new movies, I’d allow that The Bourne Identity and even The Sum
of All Fears
are good enough to watch with a Sunday afternoon hangover.
Die Another Day
isn’t even in the same universe. It’s dopey. It’s silly. Worse,
it’s boring.



And the plot! James Bond has been captured and tortured by those axis-of-evil
North Koreans. Fearing he’s been compromised, his bosses decommission him. But
Bond won’t take this laying down, oh no, he wants justice! He travels to Cuba,
has a mojito, balls Halle Berry and stumbles upon a black market medical center
that can transplant DNA (!) in order to transform, say, a North Korean bad-ass
into a British jerk-off. Soon, he’s battling the bad guy in an ice palace that
looks like the Sydney Opera House dome by way of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.


It’s that bad. If I was a James Bond defender, I’d be even more upset. You’re
allowed to be an idiot, Vin. You’re not crapping on a tradition – you’re extending
it. Watching the new James Bond movie is like inviting a dog to Christmas dinner
and watching it piss on the carp.


What I’m trying to say is that in a back-handed and accidental way, the reviewers
and catchphrasers were right. Xander Cage really is the new James Bond. If by
“new James Bond” they mean a charisma-free, arrogant dick chasing stupid villains
while performing ridiculous, implausible and unexciting stunts.


You should definitely feel better about yourself, Vin. Apparently you’re just
as good as James Bond after all.


Apologetically yours,


Jeff Koyen

Related articles

  • The Divergent Series: Insurgent by Prague.TV

    The Divergent Series: Insurgent raises the stakes for Tris as she searches for allies and answers in the ruins of a futuristic Chicago. Tris (Woodley) and Four (James) are now fugitives on the run, hunted by Jeanine (Winslet), the leader of the power-hungry Erudite elite

  • The Water Diviner by Prague.TV

    THE WATER DIVINER is an extraordinary tale of love, faith and heroism.

  • HOME by Prague.TV

    When Oh, a loveable misfit from another planet, lands on Earth and finds himself on the run from his own people, he forms an unlikely friendship with an adventurous girl named Tip who is on a quest of her own.

  • Karlovy Vary Film Festival: Day 3 Update by Hana Gomolakova

    Three days into the festival and the audience were already in for some real treats presented on silver screens

  • Karlovy Vary International Film Festival 2012: Preview by Hana Gomolakova

    The Czech Republic's most prestigious movie event returns to west Bohemia June 29 - July 7

  • Year of Mari©huana (Rok konopí) by Smart Communication

    Press Release: A new feature-length documentary on marijuana hits Czech cinemas

  • Punk in Africa by Sam Beckwith

    A fascinating new music documentary has unexpected Czech connections

  • Cigán: Torn Between Two Worlds by Jan Gregor

    Martin Šulík's award-winning film about a Roma boy avoids the obvious pitfalls

  • Karlovy Vary International Film Festival 2011: Round-Up by Hana Gomolakova

    A wrap-up of the winners and final figures from the Czech Republic's biggest movie event

  • Karlovy Vary International Film Festival 2011: Update 1 by Hana Gomolakova

    The latest hits and happenings at the Czech Republic's biggest international film festival

Facebook comments

Canadian Medical Care - CMC

Nothing is more important than your health!

Prague Black Panthers...

Win FREE Tickets for the match against the Vienna Vikings

OpenCall Mobile

1.80 CZK / Minute to Austria, Germany, Slovakia and Poland!

Hotel Amarilis

The First Feng Shui Hotel in Prague

THG Sports

Corporate hospitality and sports hospitality

Blue Link Service

The BlueLink group is specialised in providing high-quality...

Prospero Events Group

Happy employees lead to happy clients!

PragueMonitor.com

Prague’s # 1 source for Czech news in English…

PragueConnect.cz

Expat and Czech Business Professional Network

ManSprichtDeutsch.cz

Deutschsprachiges Informationsportal