Maid In Manhattan
Can Latinos spell “execrable”?
Far from poolside, J-Lo works in a large, posh hotel where she encounters senatorial candidate Ralph Fiennes, who, because he’s an utter retard, takes her for a socialite, a fellow guest. So he pursues her. She scrubs stains off the sheets and he woos her. She unclogs his toilet, elbow-deep in his feces... large hunks of salmon from 1000 dollar-a-plate fundraisers... some intact figs from that gift-basket the President sent up. Through it all, he acts like a gentleman and keeps his hands off that billionaire gluteus.
Through a series of ISM’s (incredibly stupid mishaps, another genre convention), he realizes she’s a maid. And because he has a HOG (a heart of gold), and because she’s hot no matter what, he would still deign to cast his ballot in her box. The moral is: It doesn’t matter where you’re from or how much money you have, if you’re attractive, especially exotically multi-ethnically so, an elected official, if given the chance, will fuck you. You can only move up by going down. But with no consummating sex, no popped cherry on top, the whole thing is so Disney, so affirmative (J-Lo is the single parent of an adorable, pan-racial genius), I’d wager that J-Lo was court-ordered to act in it—some community-service time she earned for sitting on one of Puffy’s guns when the 5-0 came around. The only good thing about J-Lo’s acting is that it keeps her from singing. And all I could think about while watching Ralph Fiennes was his terrifying, star-making turn as concentration camp commandant Amon Goeth in “Schindler’s List.” I wanted him to take aim and shoot me in the face. “I’m the Jew, Ralph, over here. Execute me already.” Don’t see “Maid in Manhattan”, ever. And don’t see any movie ever whose title is a pun. And opera is still dead.
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