The Matrix Reloaded

Keanu gets Reeved: Reloading the Gaytrix

That the Wachowski brothers’ The Gaytrix Reloaded is shrouded in steamy secrecy is as much as secret as is star Keanu Reeves’ prediliction for packaged salami. Bill and Ted’s Boner Adventure, everyone knows the hype. Here’s the truth: The Gaytrix Reloaded is a theo-philosophical/sci-fi roadtrip on the Hershey Highway. It’s Philip K. Dick, sans the Philip, in a K-hole.

The Gaytrix is the true consciousness, the real world outside our world, where the hirsute, sweaty men who inhabit rebel stronghold Zion take it fast, hard and hot. And Keanu Reeves as Neo is the messiah of jizz, the neopostmodern sperminator, a man whose seed holds the hope of humanity’s very survival. And thankfully, he sprays like a garden hose.

Of course, the powers-that-be, the nefarious Hetero Agents, want to deny Neo’s ragtag band of ass pirates the pleasures of, say, a simple rimjob. Neo must fight for his right to get it on. What a rush... a rush of thick, gamey sperm (with a faint taste of urine) he sprays on the tyrannical Agents to stick them in their tracks. In the most tense moment in the movie, he gets a few spurts on his leather jacket. The audience gasps. Not to worry-his well-hung sidekick licks it all off.

The special effects that earned the first installment its fame are, like Ron Jeremy, back again and better than ever. This is fourth dimensional sucking and swallowing, time-lapsed banging, digitally photographed inserted digits and perspective-shifting load-blowing. It’s as breath-taking as Laurence Fishburn’s engorged dick.

In the end, Neo emerges victorious as Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) reloads his ass with a 9-inch double donger. Laurence Fishburn, as the purple, veiny Morpheus squats down (popping his cock ring right off) to drop a hot load of chocolate love all over Reeves’ chest. What’s in store for the already announced third installment? Hopefully more Gay and more Trix. More greased-up sphincter close-ups and snuff. Anal embolisms wouldn’t have hurt either.

Hey, why not write Joshua to travis@pill.cz and to Travis to joshua@pill.cz and see what happens!

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